Dear Beergirl and Beerboy Disciples,

 

You, my dearest ones, craving the soul-feeding, quite real magnetic charge that literally flows from a movie into your soul, I’m sure you treasure that especially satisfying soul-feeding charge that comes from that rustic delight of a movie, The Wicker Man.

Well, did you disciples know that a real Wicker Man cult does exist? Yes, in the wilds of British Columbia, Canada has their own ultra-secret Wicker Man cult. This is top secret info, for the first time being revealed to non-Wicker Man cult members. And, dear disciples, we must take an oath; we must keep this secret to ourselves. The outside world isn’t ready for this knowledge.

Please understand the importance of this oath. If you break it, the spark of delight from fermentation in beer may never again be allowed to work within you, no matter how much beer you drink. What a curse! Please, take this warning deathly seriously, or suffer eternal separation from beer’s delight.

Now, back to the Wicker Man cult. Off the coast of Vancouver, BC, there exists an idyllic deep woods paradise, Lasqueti Island. Despite being so near to that cosmopolitan city of the world that Vancouver is, Lasqueti has retained a rustic air. To the world at large this may seem the result of politicians with their land use planning, provoked by the island’s activist atheists.

A secretive group of Lasquetians, however, know there is far more going on. Those atheists? They merely pretend disbelief. Their regular atheist meetings are a cover, a cover for the initiates of the islands Wicker Man cult. Every spring the cultists use their dark magic to predict the coldest night in the coming month of December, the night they will privately celebrate their own version of Halloween–the night they burn alive a pure soul in their own wicker cage, constructed from specially cut evergreen trimmings—the night they renew the magick that protects their islands rural quiet.

And this sacrificed, pure soul? Who would make the best sacrifice? In recent years the cult has looked for that best specimen, that when burned would make such a perfect sacrifice that there would never again be a need for another December ritual.

The cult of course obsessively watched The Wicker Man films, even the more recent one with Nicholas Cage. Cage really did portray such a great sacrifice. Why couldn’t they find a man of his equal to burn so hot on their cold December night? Then it dawned on them—was the best man to be a ‘Nicholas Cage’ the real Nicholas Cage?

Should they, though, go through with it? Should they lure Cage to their island, to offer him up, and into eternity? The cult members are highly conflicted. Would it be worth sacrificing such a great actor? Should the cult lure the actual Nicholas Cage to their island, to offer him up on their December night? What do you think, dear Disciples?

Now, even more, you see the importance of keeping this discussion to ourselves. Remember, Beergirl and Beerboy Disciples, we must never speak of this to outsiders.

 

From the Mothership,

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